sunshines_rain

Chapter 35: Golden Irrationality

“Hey, girl, stop what youre doin!
Hey, girl, youll drive me to ruin.
I dont know what it is that I like about you,
But I like it a lot.
Wont let me hold you,
Let me feel your lovin charms.”

-Communication Breakdown, Led Zeppelin

     “Mikey!” Gerard shouted at the closed door, a mixture of rage and embarrassment in his voice.  Myself, I was flushed a deep red.  Holy shit, holy fucking shit.  The blush on my cheeks, from either the excitement of the past few minutes, or the fact that Gerard’s brother had nearly seen me with my pants down, didn’t nearly match the bright red fire that was burning in my mind.

     How dare he?!  This was most likely my last night with Gerard.  Tonight was going to be the last time I’d ever lie about me and my love again.  What came after that was supposed to be my forgiveness, the hardest thing of all.  And Mikey had to ruin the minutes I had left with Gerard, those minutes that could have been magical.

     The door slammed open again and I beheld Mikey Way like I’d never seen him before.  He looked frazzled, strung out on countless coffees and immeasurable stress.  The bags under his eyes were darker than I’d ever seen Gerard’s, and his hair was wonky from his fingers running through it countless times.  My scared eyes traced upward, starting at his chest, taking in the tense muscles and veins sticking out of his neck, and finally settling on his angry, angry eyes.

     At first the expression I saw in Mikey’s eyes jolted me back into the awful memories of me and Gerard’s fight, but only because at that moment they looked similar to Gerard’s.  They could never be a copy of my love’s hazel windows, but the fact that Gerard and Mikey were connected by blood made them alike enough to affect me.  The emotions I recognized in Mikey’s eyes were anger, exhaustion, worry, and… slight confusion. 

     “Jesus Christ Gerard, do you know what time it is?” Mikey angrily said, verbally punching his brother standing next to me. 

     “I very well do,” Gerard answered with more emotion.  It was then that I realized Mikey wasn’t even acknowledging me at that moment, and he just wanted a piece of his brother.  Not wanting to hurt any more than I already had, I quietly shifted to the opposite of the room and sat down, clenching my hands together so hard that the knuckles turned white.  I wanted to do something to help Gerard, but I knew there was nothing I could do.  This was what he had been trying to hide from me all along, why he’d blown up at me that day, and with shame I had to witness its peak. 

     “Do you know I haven’t slept at all?!” Mikey shot at my love, and my hands grabbed each other so hard it was starting to hurt.

     “Why the hell not?  It’s not like it’s your business what I do with my time,” Gerard countered, and this only enraged his brother more. 

     “Like hell it is Gerard, and you know it.  Did you know Bob was going to wait until you came back to go to bed?  Bob.  And he’s the one that’s been telling us all along to leave you the fuck alone,” he spat to Gerard, and with pain I watched my love flinch.

     “I did come back Mikey,” he answered in a voice slightly less furious.

     “For what, an hour?  You’re lucky Bob and Frank went to bed, if not you wouldn’t have been gone long without them wondering.  Ray just told me that he didn’t care anymore after a while and went to bed as well,” the brother told Gerard, and I watched him flinch slightly, trying not to show any indications that he had been hurt by what was said. 

     “Then why didn’t you as well?” Gerard asked Mikey softly, and for the first time since he came in here I watched some of the anger flee from Mikey’s angry eyes.

     “Because you’re my brother,” he softly answered, without anger, just full of pain.  A pause overtook the air after that, settling in so thickly it made me feel like I was swimming in a sea of awkwardness and confusion. 

     “You know, Ray only slept for a few hours before waking up again.  He wanted to stay up and wait for you, but I didn’t let him,” Mikey said, his voice pained yet full of this kind of care that I only slightly recognized between me and my sister Sadie.

     “Why Mikey?  Why?  I’m not getting this.  You told me all about how you want to expose, yet you do that?  I’m not getting this at all!” Gerard retorted, starting out softly then shouting that last sentence, the anger kindling again. 

     “I’m trying to help you the best I can.  The fewer people that know, the better.  I’m not just thinking about you, I’m thinking about her,” Mikey told his brother in a soft voice, and I could just see the torment he’d been through trying to decide what was morally right.  And at the end of that last sentence… he looked at me with saddened, yet caring eyes, for once absent of that chill that always regarded me. 

     At that point in time Gerard’s brother became slightly less of an enemy in my eyes.  None of the people in that band My Chemical Romance were awful people, but Mikey was a threat.  He was the brutal one, trying to expose me and hurt me out of care for his brother.  But that changed.  Mikey wanted as few people to know as possible until I was out of the picture, so I wouldn’t have to go through the hurt of my heroes looking at me with darkened, disdainful eyes.  Without being frowned upon, period.  Mikey Way wasn’t a bad man, and he never was.  Only the white light to kill the bug that was my relationship. 

     He regarded me for a second longer, sitting there with my hands clenched together, my sex-hair flowing down my shoulders and my lips slightly swollen from kissing.  But then he went back to Gerard, who was standing there trying to ignore my presence.  I knew it wasn’t in a bad way, he didn’t want any of his brother’s onslaught to be drawn to me. 

     “Thank you for that,” Gerard said, for the first time without anger in his voice.  Still he didn’t look at me, but I knew I was in his thoughts.  And yet again the very air was held still, waiting and waiting for the next blow to be given, the next punch to be thrown.  Without knowing it I was holding my breath inside my chest. 

     “I saw you sneak out after midnight.  Well not saw, but heard.  Why Gerard?  Why?  Has nothing I said to you changed anything?” Mikey said angrily, finally dropping the hammer.  Gerard took in a breath and the fire came into his eyes again, not one of anger but the one that I was feeling.

     “Where do you get off saying that?!  I thought you knew me better than that.  What you said changed fucking everything for me,” Gerard angrily threw at his own brother, and then it was Mikey’s turn to flinch. 

     “Yet you go off again tonight!  It’s still the same destructive fucking crap,” Mikey shouted, and I flinched at his last sentence, reminded again why I had to let this death take me.  The same destructive crap.  My happiness was costing everyone else, and I knew what had to happen to make it all quit.  But it still didn’t seem fair.

     “Fuck Mikey!  Just shut the hell up for once, ok?  You don’t know any fucking thing, do you fucking get that?” Gerard suddenly shouted, his eyes alive and flaming.  He was nearly the monster that I’d seen a week ago, and part of me wished that it’s wrath would be unleashed on his brother, just to make him understand our side.

     “You don’t fucking listen!” Mikey retorted, not even phasing Gerard.

     “Don’t I?  Fuck.  It’s because of what you said that I haven’t slept tonight you fucking idiot,” Gerard spat out, and for the first time Mikey looked confused.

     “Why?  Because you had to spend just one more night with her?  Thank god I found you when I did,” Mikey shouted, but at that last sentence the three of us blushed with embarrassment for a few seconds.  At least he found me with my pants still on, I couldn’t help but think.  I wasn’t even offended that I was being spoken about like I wasn’t even there.

     “No.  Part of it was because of that, but did you ever think that what you said, no wait… attacked me with could have been overheard?” Gerard spewed, and Mikey’s brows furrowed together with confusion for a few seconds.  I myself was a little confused.  What was Gerard trying to get at here?

     “What the hell are you talking about?  We were alone,” Mikey replied in an offended voice, and Gerard laughed slightly.  It wasn’t the happy, lovely laughter that happened between us.  This was angry and insane, like he was about to snap.  For added drama he slapped his knee. 

     Finally he gets what he deserves, evil Christine said, insanely laughing at Mikey and rooting for Gerard’s full anger.

     Does he really?  The other Christine wasn’t so sure.  Mikey wasn’t out to kill me or anything, and from what I had seen, from what I was observing with the way that Gerard moved and gestured, I wondered what exactly the brother’s sole motives had been.

     “In.  The.  Bus.  Anybody could have walked by and overheard,” Gerard told his brother, his tone cruel and insanely sarcastic.

     “How?  They would have had to have been standing right at the door, it was only open a crack!” Mikey retorted, getting angrier because of the way Gerard was treating him.  And I only watched with spectator eyes, not making a sound and just observing. 

     “Standing at the door, just about to see if anybody needed anything?  Like an errand needing to be run, or coffee?” Gerard quietly replied with an eerie tone of calm in his voice.  But looking at him I saw how his hands were clenched together so tightly, how tense the muscles in the back of his neck were, and I knew that the calm was only an act.  Now that I was brought into the equation he was really enraged.  I knew him well enough to realize that he was mad at Mikey, and mad at life for me overhearing all of those nasty things.  And he was finally going to let his brother know just how much.

     With those words Mikey’s lips formed into a surprised “o” as he looked at me with shock.  I couldn’t help but feel mad at him myself, I mean did he think that the My Chemical Romance tour bus was a cone of silence?  But soon after rationality poked through, and I knew in my heart that I had bolted too fast for the two men to have even the faintest idea I’d been there.  The anger here was about so much more than that.

     “You’re fucking me,” Mikey said to Gerard, not angry, not pained, but with stupid disbelief.  My love shook his head with the anger still blazing behind his beautiful eyes, and finally Mikey turned to look at me.  His eyes were angry, but the thing I noticed more was the way he looked guilty all of a sudden.  But before Mikey had a chance to even think about saying anything to me Gerard interrupted. 

    “I went to look for her after you fucking attacked me, but she was nowhere to be found.  Christine was gone Mikey, gone,” Gerard venomously told his brother, and it pained me to see the anger he was feeling, and all because of me.  Some of my brain was flattered because he was reacting like this due to myself, but most of it felt guilty and disgusted.  In that moment my answer seemed to become even moreso the right choice to make.

     “Where….” Mikey tried to say, but Gerard cut in yet again.

     “Away from here.  Really far away, because she didn’t want to be around this anymore.  Did it ever occur to you that Christine isn’t vain and only thinks about herself?  Did it?” Gerard said, his tone just getting angrier and angrier.  Yet again it was Mikey’s turn to flinch. 

     They were both still talking like I wasn’t there, but I wasn’t offended.  In a weird way I understood, because it was both of them trying to protect me.  Gerard from anger, Mikey from everything bad he had to say to Gerard.  And then again I had to wonder what exactly Mikey felt about me.

     “That’s why I left again.  I waited for her to come back.  Like you told me, tomorrow you were going to get her sent home.  Did you not think I wanted to say goodbye?  That I wanted to make sure she was ok, because I’ll never see her again after today?” Gerard said to his brother, and the anger in his eyes slowly faded away into grief and despair.  I felt my body seize up at Gerard’s last words, and realized yet again how much I loved him, and how I couldn’t face losing him.  And with Gerard’s last words he let fly how much I meant to him, really meant to him, only leaving Mikey with confusion. 

     “Gerard I….” he tried to say, but his brother cut him off. 

     “Christine just isn’t someone else to me Mikey,” Gerard replied softly, with the grief and sadness I felt myself about our parting showing it’s true colors.

     Silence took over the air again, neither of us knowing what to do.  I could understand both of their sides, and it seemed like no matter what there was no right answer.  Either way someone was getting fucked, no matter what there was going to be pain.   

     There cannot be the joy of life without the ultimate pain of death, Father Kenrick’s ghost voice told me silently.  Oh Father, you were right.  So right. 

     I wondered what to do now.  How would this go on?  When I planned out telling Gerard that we were going to end I’d assumed we’d be alone, but with Mikey here he’d already performed my task.  Loose ends were hanging everywhere in the air, just waiting to reach out and strangle us.  So many things that weren’t known, so many things left unsaid, so much fuelling the pain.  I was tired of lying, tired of cheating, and wanted to make everything right. 

     And that was when the right thing to do, the mature thing came to me.

     Slowly I got up from the couch.  I barely made a noise, but they both looked over at me, surprised.  With a deep breath I parted my hands and hung them at my sides, and slowly walked the few steps toward where Gerard and Mikey were standing.  Without thought I placed myself beside my love, trying to look his brother in the eyes as Gerard put his hand around my waist, drawing me to his side.  I couldn’t help but smile slightly, and do the same, loosely hanging my arm around his frame.  I loved him so much.  So fucking much.  Mikey looked at us with a confused, yet slightly angry expression, not saying anything.

     “Mikey, um can I… maybe talk to you?” I nervously asked my enemy, and immediately Gerard’s arm drew me closer. 

     “Fire away,” was all Mikey said, and I sighed.

     “Um, privately?” I added softly, and Gerard gave me a look that just screamed don’t you dare.  Mikey scrunched his brows for a minute before responding, wondering what my true motives were. 

     “Ok, sure,” he replied, and before I could blink Gerard was trying to stop me.

     “I don’t think so, she’s not going anywhere with you,” he immediately snapped at his brother, and pulled me even closer.  Right away I started to lightly rub the part of his back that my hand was resting on, trying to assure my love that I knew what I was doing. 

     “It’s ok, I’ll be fine,” I told Gerard softly, but he only glared at Mikey. 

     “He’s already hurt you enough,” he replied, and even though his voice was angry the care in those words was apparent. 

     “We’ll just go to the dressing room a door down.  Trust me Gerard, if you hear screaming you can come running in seconds,” Mikey told his brother, going right ahead and opening the door.  He stood in front of it, waiting for me to follow and not allowing Gerard’s words to phase him. 

     “I’ll be ok,” I repeated softly, and gently took Gerard’s arm off my body.  He let it fall without resistance, looking at me with worried eyes. 

     “Are you sure?” he asked me, and I nodded.

     “Try and get some sleep,” I quietly told Gerard, and gazed at him with half-closed eyes.  Fuck even when we were in the worst possible situation he was still beautiful, I couldn’t help but think.

     Without looking back I followed Mikey to the door, and then to the dressing room down the hall.  He gestured for me to go in first, opening the door like a gentlemen.  I made sure to see if he locked the door or not, slightly stupid paranoia worming it’s way into my mind.  Mikey didn’t, so I went and sat down on the couch.  He chose to remain standing, leaning against the wall and studying me with hostile eyes.

     “Well?” he finally said, his tone the perfect example of annoyance. 

     “You’ve… you’ve talked to Gerard, but not to me.  Why?” I calmly asked him, trying my hardest to resist crossing my legs and looking like the female Doctor Phil. 

     “I didn’t think it was necessary,” he replied with hostility, and keeping my cool, I instantly rebuffed.

     “Why?” I asked, trying to understand.  Mikey looked confused for a few seconds, the anger falling during that time.  Was he searching for the right answer to this whole mess, like I had been?

     “Since you wormed your way to my brother in the first place, I didn’t think you cared about the rest of his life at all.  Good job, you managed to do what all the other teenage twats dream of,” Mikey angrily replied, clenching his hands into tense fists.  To even my surprise I didn’t even wince.  I deserved that hostility, and Mikey was partially right.  But even then I couldn’t help but be offended that he was talking to me like I was some kind of… whore. 

     “It was never intentional for this to happen, if you believe it or not.  That’s the honest truth.  I was just excited to be working for my favourite band,” I softly told Mikey, trying to keep eye contact so he could see the bare truth.

     “Then why did you?” Mikey retorted, his fists clenched even tighter.  Suddenly overwhelmed with guilt I looked at the floor, brushing some of my hair behind my ears as I tried to keep my eyes from watering.  How was I supposed to answer that?  What could I say?

     “I don’t know, I really don’t know,” I finally answered him, my voice cracking near the end.  Why did I let Gerard kiss me in the alley?  It had all seemed so right and perfect, but looking back on it, all of the hurt could have been prevented if I hadn’t gone after my own selfish happiness.  But was wanting to be selfish?  If a person got right down to thinking, was it?

     “What an answer,” Mikey snorted, not even bothering to look at me.  Instead he gazed at the opposite wall, the hostility emanating off of him like light from the sun.  Silence overtook the air, neither of us knowing what to say. 

     But suddenly I was sick of his anger towards me.  He wasn’t letting me say anything, and he wasn’t looking at my side of the situation at all.  From square one all he’d been to me was brutal and cold, and I was sick and fucking tired of it.  He was acting more immature then me for fuck’s sake!  At least I was trying to talk to him rationally, and here he was looking at the fucking wall and pouting.

     “You have every right to be angry, and I get that.  I know you hate me, but can I speak?  Can you please be mature?” I asked my enemy slowly and carefully, trying to keep anger out of my words to show that I wasn’t a stupid, hormonal teenager.  It was an effort to keep my voice from cracking, or going slightly hysterical, and in the end it was still visible in my tone. 

     It was at that moment that his eyes softened, just like Gerard’s did.  I stared at them as Mikey sighed and slumped against the wall, guilt coming into his eyes, and the enormous frustration of our situation.  That was when I realized that Gerard’s brother wasn’t mad at me for simply existing.  It changed everything.

     “I don’t hate you kid,” he said after a pause, and a new kind of guilt trickled into the cocktail.  Those words were sad and guilty, without a trace of anger in them whatsoever.  My statement seemed to break all of the anger, and all of the hostility away from the stranger whom I only knew from interviews I’d seen.

     “Then why the anger?” I asked Mikey quietly, and for the first time since we’d gotten there he actually looked me in the face.  

Part Two