sunshines_rain

Hey guys,

I considered making this post "friends only" because that's what I usually do when they contain personal content, but I've decided against it for this one.

This is officially the end of my hiatus. Even though it hasn't been a week yet, a lot of things have happened over the past little while, and it's made me realize something even more than I already have. Life is beautiful.

Especially yesterday, I've realized how much things have changed. Do you guys remember that entry I posted in the early months of the year, about how I felt lost in life? So much has happened since then, and I'm pushing my boundaries in ways I never thought possible. I've been truely lucky in life. I've found friends that I wouldn't give up for the world, this self-confidence that I didn't know I had in me, and this belief that things will turn out okay, if I can just wait.

Last night, I did something I never thought I'd do. Life decided to favour me, and I wound up in the orchestra with a guy I never thought I'd see again. It's been awesome being with him again. We'd been talking about the past on Saturday, and he said that he'd told my friend that he liked me, but I was too scared to say that I'd told her that I liked him. But, last night, I finally spat it out. I really don't know how that went over, or what he thinks of me now, but I'm so proud of myself for finally doing that. I think, out of the list of things I was afraid of, that was near the top. But, I did it. I don't even know if I'll see him much, now that orchestra is done (I hope so, but life can be a bitch sometimes), but the fact that I finally said the thing I was most afriad of was so unbelievably liberating.

Last night, I was on such a high, especially after that. I realized everything that I'm capable of, everything I can accomplish, and I believe in myself to do it. While sometimes I doubt myself so much, think something's wrong with me, and the feeling wants to paralyze me, but they always pass. If I could do what I did last night, that means I'm really not afraid anymore. I'm so happy that fate caused me to get back in touch with him again, because if not, I would never have had the chance to say what I did.

I just want anybody who reads this to know that there is a lot out there in life, that it is worth waiting for something to happen. Back in the spring, when I wrote that journal entry about feeling so lost, I never, ever thought that my life would take this road. First my friends, and then all of these other things that make me grow as a person. Life will throw you curveballs, but if you keep at it, and stick in there, beautiful things are waiting. Take a look at the beauty outside, or how nice it feels to do something you enjoy, and hold onto it. That's what makes life worth living.

I'm not naiive. I know that there are times when my friends will be angry with me, I'll mess up, and things like that, but it's this feeling that I want to hold onto. Even on days like these, the normal ones after an extraordinary day, the hangover, I want to hold onto feeling like I'm on top of the world. Yesterday was the ending to another chapter of my life, and now there's this new future ahead of me, and I feel like I can take it head on. It was that one thing, those few words that I were so afraid to say, that truely freed me. Even if he doesn't want to keep in touch with me, or thinks I'm insane, the fact that I let down my defences and got those words out will stay with me forever. Because now I know that I'm capable of anything, that I can overcome my anxieties and fears to live my life the way it was meant to be lived.

As I was driving home, "21 Guns" came up on my iPod, and the song couldn't have been more perfect. Music always seems to connect me to significant parts of my life, and this wasn't any different. Just like how "Beautiful Love" by The Afters makes me remember the first time I really felt at peace as I watched them play it at YC, "21 Guns" will always make me remember that day when I took the next big step on figuring out how I wanted to navigate this road called life.

So, to anybody who reads this and feels lost, hang in there. Life is beautiful, and don't waste a second of it.
<3
-Leanne

After

Scared

Waiting

Lying behind those eternal eyes

An opportunity unthinkable

Happening

Gone and past

So quickly

Everything is normal again

As thoughts of the days before

Circle around

And around

And around

Everything is normal again

Yet the hope is there

Desperately

That this is a lie

That what happened

What came out of

Thoughts buried so deep

Words

Finally making it to the air

Changed something

Never thinking the chance

Would come again

Jumping into dark waters

Exhilarated

And now

After

Staring at the wall

Dread creeps

Now

All there is left

Is waiting

Gazing into a once again

Empty life

Hoping for something

Anything

To show that life will

Never be the same

Closing eyes

The memories come

Knowing how you feel

The other side of the story

Unknown

If things fall back to the same

The thought makes

Hands tremble

And still

All there is left is

Waiting

Knowing all possible

Was done

That it’s uncontrollable now

Scares

Remembering what happened

Before

Because now

The only thing left is

Waiting

Watching the morning sun

Creep by

In a silent house

Hey guys, I've got some bad news to tell you.

I've posted before that my life has been super busy because of orchestra, but I didn't mind because it's an awesome experience. And it's because of this that I've made this decision to go on an almost complete hiatus. Temporarily.

My life is far from horrible, but with these new experiences, my old anxieties and other shit have resurfaced. When this has happened before, I've just shoved it back down again and go on being happy-go-lucky Leanne, even though I know it's not healthy. I know things need to change. These experiences have made me realize I need to deal with these insecurities and doubts that keep me from living life the way I should. They're worse than they've been in over a year, and they need to be dealt with.

The internet amplifies these insecurities, which is why I chose to go on an almost complete hiatus. Doesn't help with the whole self esteem thing. I've always had self-confidence issues, but there's others that I've been trying to push to the back of my mind that I really need to deal with. They've been getting quite bad in the past while, and I don't want to have to cover them up anymore. I want to fix them for good. Some of you may know what they are, others not, but I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you guys. I need to do this. I know I'll never be able to make these insecurities go away completely, but if I can figure out a healthy way to deal with them, it's so much better for me in the long run.

There's also other things that have come up into my life that I need to deal with, that I never thought I would, and that's going to be a bitch in itself to take care of. The next little while is going to be hard, because I'll be pushing myself to do things I'm normally not comfortable with, and I'll be under stress. And when I'm stressed, I tend to foam at the mouth on the internet, rant, or make assumptions about things I don't need to worry about. So I don't completely wreck the little life I have on the internet, I'm severly limiting my time on it so I don't go crazy or piss people off unneccisarily.

I'll still be posting WOR, acting as a beta, and writing.

I'll never quit writing, but I'll barely be online to chat and stuff. I'll be checking my email and facebook every day, but that's about it unless it's time for me to post an update, and I'll reply to comments then.

If anybody wants/needs to get ahold of me, you can reach me at leanne_of_the_last_parade@hotmail.com
Hopefully this doesn't last too long, but this is something that I've needed to do for a while. I love you all.

-Leanne

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary: On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end. Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind. Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million. One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way. Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction. Don't like, don't read. Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( Hitler. )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary: On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end. Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind. Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million. One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way. Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction. Don't like, don't read. Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( He's the next )

Update is coming within the day!  Yes, that's right, the next chapter of WOR that's finally almost ready to go.  I hope you all like it. 

Anyway, gotta get ready for school now, have a lovely day :3

Yeah, so the update still isn't done.  I know, I want to punch myself in the face because the delay is retarded, but I just wanted to explain why.  Between orchestra and school, I don't have that much free time to begin with.  Mix in the fact that work is severly understaffed, I'm working at least twenty extra hours a month to make up for it.  And when I get home, I'm too fucking tired to do anything but go read a book or paint.  I mean, it doesn't sound like much, but consider going to school full time and the fact that it's my senior year... yikes.

It's weird, but I always feel like I need to be wide awake to do my best writing.  Which sucks, because my best time to write is in the morning, but I'm always in school or fucking working.  I mean, I can write when I'm tired, it's just that I need to do a shitload of editing after and I know it's not my best.  And thanks to everything going on, I don't have much really productive time anymore.  Not to mention I take the occasional evening with my friends to relax.

Speaking of which, last night was Halloween!  I got to wear my costume to work, which was a goth witch, Of course, I had to work fucking 9-5:30, but when my shift was done, I went to Bergen's house and met the others.  We went and trick-or-treated with her little brother, and Jordan's siblings.  I just walked with them, because I didn't feel right getting candy.  Carlena and Lindsay were doing the same.  We were out from around 7-9, and during that time Jordan's brother got sick and a bunch of other interesting stuff happened, like seeing three black cats within an hour.  After that, we all sat around Bergen's house waiting for her mom to get back to give her money,

Then, we went to Toni's and started the epic sleepover,  We ordered pizza (at 10:30, lol), had Tim Hortons at midnight, and most of them stayed up all night.  The highlight was playing Truth or Dare.  Why?  Because there were no parents, so we could be as crazy as we wanted. If anybody cares, here are some of the more memorable dares of the night, that people actually did.

-Jacinda mixed up this gross drink of seven different things, ranging from salt to salad dressing, and both Lindsay and Jordan drank it for their dares.  Lindsay threw some of it up, while Jordan looked like he might be sick. 
-Jordan attempted to eat a spoonful of cinammon.  He spat it out, got it up his nose, and actually threw up some of it.  Thankfully we thought ahead and got him a bowl and a giant glass of water. XD
-Bergen giving Toni a lap dance.
-Jordan giving a blow job to a pickle.
-Carlena standing outside in her bra for a minute.
-Jacinda drinking a gross concoction made by Lindsay and Jordan for revenge.
-Me having to kiss Jordan on the cheek.  God, it was pure failure.  I missed the first time XD  I'm so not used to even hugging people, and it just felt weird doing that.  I'm quite sure Jordan liked it though XD
-Making Lindsay watch all of "two girls, one cup".  She started gagging!

The whole game lasted four hours, from 2-6 in the morning.  After that, I went and slept in Toni's parents' bedroom until 7:30, attempted to play Little Big Planet, realized I was waaaay too tired, went back and slept until 10:30, and then watched them play a shooter game until it was time for me to leave.

The only bad thing about the night was that Carlena got sick and vomited three times that night, but she didn't let that stop her. She wasn't looking too hot at all this morning either, but since Toni's thermometer was broken, we couldn't tell if she just had food poising or something, or H1N1, or what the hell she had.

Anyway, how was everybody's Halloween?

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( A revolution. )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( my own grave. )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( I'm digging )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( forever. )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

 

( changed )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( The day my life )

So, since MCR.com FINALLY opened up registration to memebers outside of the MCRmy, guess who registered?  Add me?  My username is the same as on there.  sunshines_rain

And btw, WOR update tonight :D

Sorry about the update taking so long.  Things aren't going so well for me right now, and for a while it was leaving me unable to write, but the update only has two pages left to go, which I'll finish tommorow, so it'll hopefully be up and posted by Friday :)  I think this is one of the hardest chapters in the fic to write because I just have to make things work, and flow, and I keep re-editing what I already have. 

I just want you all to know that I'm NOT leaving WOR to die.  I always finish my fics, and I never start another chaptered story without finishing the one I'm already working on.  Like I said, I'm working to have the story itself done by Christmas.  After this update is done, I hope things will speed along faster, because after this I know, fairly certainly, how things are going to play out in the story.

Reflection

 Here I am

This person

An artist

A writer

This freak that seems to pick up on anything

That involves the borderless realm          

Of the mind

 

Forever wondering

If these eyes that see the machine of life

Will ever quit stumbling through what should be easy

Afraid to speak in fear of wrong

Knowing the words that come to mind

Will show them just what lies

Inside

Never looking but always watching

Gazing at what is never to be mine

Even though I’m there with friends

Laughing, smiling, joking

I’m never all the way

Knowing I can never let anybody in

To fully see the monster

Behind these eyes

To glimpse the emptiness that I push away

With my thoughts

And mind

 

I would give my art

And my words

To unwrap these chains and free myself

To kill this emptiness that haunts me

In the hours my vacant eyes stare at the ceiling

Burning with the knowledge that I can

No longer deny

That a life filled with friends who

Know everything

Will never exist

That I’ll never be able to say a word

Without planning my every move

That my hand

Will never grasp another during a

Beautiful sunset

 

And yet, I struggle on

Telling myself the lies I never fully believe

That tomorrow I’ll wake up

And flow into the tide like I’ve always been there

As I sit and move the paintbrush

Across the paper

It comes easily to me

So easy

As my vacant eyes stare at the

Distant wall
 

I'm OVER my writers block!  After months of barely pushing out updates, it's flowing again like back when it all started. 

OMFG.

Kay, off to write.  Maybe I'll finish this fucker before December even starts!

To my newer readers (meaning those of you who weren't around when I was still posting PITW update and the WOR prolouge wasn't even up yet), did you know I also like to dabble in art?  I try to keep my writing and art seperate on the internet, but sometimes I'll post a oneshot on my deviantart or a picture on my livejournal. 

Is anybody here an artist, or loves art?  I've had a lifelong affection for it :D 

Anyway, if anybody is curious about what the hell I actually draw, here's a link to my deviantart if you wanna check out some of the better things I've done, or my photography.  Or give me your account link, I'm always looking for new people to watch on that site, it's so full of talented people!

Deviantart [radarlove413]

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to Drea and figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters


( burn in hell. )

Title: Wanderers of Ruin
Pairing: None
Rating: R
POV: First
Summary:  On the nineteenth day of March, the world started to end.  Sickness, death, and misery followed the outbreak of the worst virus known to mankind.  Ruthless, without mercy, a superbug, leaving only a handful of survivors for every few million.  One of them was the man formerly known as the singer, Gerard Way.  Follow the sad story of the man without a band, in a world that has forgotten everything he's ever loved.
Disclaimer: Complete and total fiction.  Don't like, don't read.  Don't repost without my permission.
Beta credit to Drea and figilio_vampiri

Previous Chapters

( You're gonna )