End of hiatus.
I considered making this post "friends only" because that's what I usually do when they contain personal content, but I've decided against it for this one.
This is officially the end of my hiatus. Even though it hasn't been a week yet, a lot of things have happened over the past little while, and it's made me realize something even more than I already have. Life is beautiful.
Especially yesterday, I've realized how much things have changed. Do you guys remember that entry I posted in the early months of the year, about how I felt lost in life? So much has happened since then, and I'm pushing my boundaries in ways I never thought possible. I've been truely lucky in life. I've found friends that I wouldn't give up for the world, this self-confidence that I didn't know I had in me, and this belief that things will turn out okay, if I can just wait.
Last night, I did something I never thought I'd do. Life decided to favour me, and I wound up in the orchestra with a guy I never thought I'd see again. It's been awesome being with him again. We'd been talking about the past on Saturday, and he said that he'd told my friend that he liked me, but I was too scared to say that I'd told her that I liked him. But, last night, I finally spat it out. I really don't know how that went over, or what he thinks of me now, but I'm so proud of myself for finally doing that. I think, out of the list of things I was afraid of, that was near the top. But, I did it. I don't even know if I'll see him much, now that orchestra is done (I hope so, but life can be a bitch sometimes), but the fact that I finally said the thing I was most afriad of was so unbelievably liberating.
Last night, I was on such a high, especially after that. I realized everything that I'm capable of, everything I can accomplish, and I believe in myself to do it. While sometimes I doubt myself so much, think something's wrong with me, and the feeling wants to paralyze me, but they always pass. If I could do what I did last night, that means I'm really not afraid anymore. I'm so happy that fate caused me to get back in touch with him again, because if not, I would never have had the chance to say what I did.
I just want anybody who reads this to know that there is a lot out there in life, that it is worth waiting for something to happen. Back in the spring, when I wrote that journal entry about feeling so lost, I never, ever thought that my life would take this road. First my friends, and then all of these other things that make me grow as a person. Life will throw you curveballs, but if you keep at it, and stick in there, beautiful things are waiting. Take a look at the beauty outside, or how nice it feels to do something you enjoy, and hold onto it. That's what makes life worth living.
I'm not naiive. I know that there are times when my friends will be angry with me, I'll mess up, and things like that, but it's this feeling that I want to hold onto. Even on days like these, the normal ones after an extraordinary day, the hangover, I want to hold onto feeling like I'm on top of the world. Yesterday was the ending to another chapter of my life, and now there's this new future ahead of me, and I feel like I can take it head on. It was that one thing, those few words that I were so afraid to say, that truely freed me. Even if he doesn't want to keep in touch with me, or thinks I'm insane, the fact that I let down my defences and got those words out will stay with me forever. Because now I know that I'm capable of anything, that I can overcome my anxieties and fears to live my life the way it was meant to be lived.
As I was driving home, "21 Guns" came up on my iPod, and the song couldn't have been more perfect. Music always seems to connect me to significant parts of my life, and this wasn't any different. Just like how "Beautiful Love" by The Afters makes me remember the first time I really felt at peace as I watched them play it at YC, "21 Guns" will always make me remember that day when I took the next big step on figuring out how I wanted to navigate this road called life.
So, to anybody who reads this and feels lost, hang in there. Life is beautiful, and don't waste a second of it.
<3
-Leanne
